De Fece's Pizza, a local pizzaria, has been ordered by a Ramsey County judge to stop a door-to-door marketing campaign which reportedly involves the usage of dum-dum shells (blanks) loaded into a shotgun and then discharged into the prospective customer's face by surprise, all for the purposes of promoting a coupon book for pizza delivery deals.
According to pizzaria spokeswoman Mary De La Sankarbocknov, the routine begins with a knock on the door. "The sales person is basically supposed to aim the weapon directly at the homeowner's face and then pull the trigger," said Mary. "And when the person regains their hearing and gets back on their feet we show them the coupon book."
According to the police report, De Fece's coupon book salesman James Whoralson had mistakenly inserted a real loaded shell into his 12-guage shotgun before initiating the coupon sales routine that started with local resident and home owner Michael Knopes.
After opening his front door, Knopes was blown 15 feet into his house from the shotgun blast, and was pronounced dead by EMT officials. One of the EMT officials also recieved the shotgun-to-the-face coupon promo from Whoralson while performing CPR on Knopes, this time with the appropriate blanks loaded into the shotgun. Whoralson was later arrested at the scene and later charged with neglagent homocide.
The De Fece's (pronounced 'de-FEE-cheese') Pizzaria coupon books have been a hot item ever since Micheal Knopes' head was blown off last Saturday. Pizzaria owner Ricky Triple-Richard is happy that business is booming as a result.
"Look, it's not funny what happened to that poor man, but our phone has been ringing off the hook for pie orders," said Triple-Richard. "So you cannot deny that some good has come out of all this nonsense."
Jonah Leshnay - the Peel
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