The Peel News Magazine | A World Leader in Satirical Journalism

Mug Shot-of-the-Year Finalists Awarded $500K Each, Protests Explode as County Hospital Unplugs TWELVE People on Life Support to Cover Costs of Cash Payouts
"You have got to be honostly kidding me with this bullshit", screamed family friend Pete Fackles of Smiths County.

"We've closed two schools as a result of having to pay these two felons, because they took wierd arrest pictures! The County Hospital was forced to pull the plug on twelve sick people in order to cover the costs for these mugshot winner payouts.", said Fackles. " It's unconcionable." more>

Man "Overrun by Mini-Motches" - Takes Shots at Own "Dead Fish" Wife
At the market, a Tierney Heights man watches a small-statured fellow shop for fruit in the produce section.

Despite his very small frame, he's quite handsome with an impeccable haircut, designer jeans and sweater. However innocent this scene may appear to you or me, it sends local man Peter Goolardi to the moon.

"These tiny fuckers are runnin' loose in their boy's-Medium polo shirts, flexing their tiny muscles in their jacked-up trucks rakin' in ignorant bitches." more>

Three Coworkers in the Hospital After Bloody Fight at Office Potluck
Three people have been severely injured during an annual potluck luncheon in suburban Minneapolis.

What began as an organized potluck lunch on Friday turned wickedly violent as personal insults began to fly during the final moments of the event.

One participant, Cynthia Bumquist, was arrested after bludgeoning a coworker in the head with a toaster oven, which was still plugged-in and in the process of cooking 2 dozen pig-in-a-blanket treats. more>

Widow's Efforts to Maintain Upper-Class Lifestyle After Husband's Death a Huge Struggle
Ever since Anne Tipler's husband was killed last year, she has been forced to support her extravagant lifestyle by actually working. "Life is very difficult for me now that I am working for a living." more>

Death Toll Rises to 294 at Waterfall Slide Opening Day
Nearly three hundred teenage children have fallen to their deaths in what some are calling the worst waterpark disaster in history. more>

Bread Bakery Sick and Tired of Screaming Sourdough Fanatic, Files Restraining Order
Knead Sourdough?, LLC of San Francisco has filed a restraining order against Jimmy Mancuso of Newark NJ claiming he has made numerous threatening phone calls to the famous San Franciscan bakery.

Knead Sourdough? owner David Spunksucker is frustrated, "When Mancuso calls it's either a profanity-riddled tirade looking for his bread where he is questioning my sexual orientation and wishing us all to hell, or it's a praise-filled call to thank us for our delicious bread." more>

ACORN Clean Out of Kool Cigarettes, Dems Now Desperate for Legit Votes
ACORN has announced it has run out of Kool cigarettes and now may be forced to discontinue the "Cigarettes for Votes" program launched by Obama democrats last summer.

Many multiple-vote casters are enraged and claim the government, more specifically former president George W. Bush, has conspired to stop Kool cigarette shipments from reaching the ACORN offices. more>

Synitec's Harm Reduction Policy a Hit
A Minneapolis corporation's harm reduction initiatives took effect last Monday, and since then employees have taken advantage of the new policies. Glenn Biznicz, a compliance officer for Synitec, now keeps his floor-standing wide-mouthed graphix bong at his desk, and loves the convenience. more>

Butter Falls Woman Loses 635 Pounds on Sunflower Seeds and Beef Jerky
Tammy Tilz creaked the scales at a staggering 912 pounds last year, and is now over a quarter-ton lighter thanks to the 'seeds and jerky diet'.

Tilz normally started her day with a dozen eggs and a box of Eggo waffles topped with a stick of soft butter.. more>

Knockout Game contestants want refunds, clarification on game rules
"I saw a blast of light and woke up three days later with a halo brace and hanging upside down in traction". Philip Croton was "knocked the fuck out", according to another player of this "awesome" game being played by young teenagers across America.

"See, nobody give no two mutherfucks about no cracker trailer trash honkey piece of trash! I'll shatta yo jaw! nome sayin?!". more>

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Mass Extermination Button at Pool Hall Under Investigation
Minneapolis Police are investigating a bizarre button installed on the wall at Cyanara's Pool Hall in Bangton Heights.

"The mayor has received numerous complaints regarding the button, and wonders what it might actually be triggering when it's pressed", said Police Captain Thad Fearington. more>

Realtor Tells it Like it is, Especially After a Scotch or Two
Realtor Bruce Fearing knows how to survive in any economy.

"It's a world so full of crap and the people who poop it, it's a wonder it even spins," says Fearing while scrolling his iPhone waiting for the bartender to bring his drink.

Bruce recently passed an exam allowing him sell homes, and has been hired by the real estate firm, Preamo Properties LLC. more>

Mind Therapy Tip: Punch the Sky
Countless studies and medications for depression and other anxiety disorders come up short for many victims of stress. However psychiatrist Wiley Halvchubb tells each and every patient, regardless of their diagnosis, to just 'punch the sky' when feelings of anger set in.

"Sometimes a full minute of swipes at the heavens is all that's needed," says Dr. Halvchubb. "I tell my patients to reject those icky feelings of embarrassment and punch the sky until it hurts, until you feel your arms coming out of their sockets, even." more>

De Fece's Door-to-Door Shotgun-to-the-Face Coupon Promo Put on Hold
De Fece's Pizza, a local pizzaria, has been ordered by a Ramsey County judge to stop a door-to-door marketing campaign which reportedly involves the usage of dum-dum shells (blanks) loaded into a shotgun and then discharged into the prospective customer's face by surprise, all for the purposes of promoting a coupon book for pizza delivery deals. more>

Suicide Attempt with Bowling Ball Backfires at IDS Center
A 44 year old Eagan man sustained serious injuries today when a bowling ball he threw at a 5oth floor window at the IDS Tower deflected off the glass and hit him in the groin area breaking his coccyx. more>

Elizabethan Week Contest Cancelled: Some Registrants Suicidal
Contestants of a television station's event are cowering in embarrassment after the organization cancelled this year's Elizabethan Week and the prizes slated to be awarded, but chose anyway to post the photographs of the registrants on the main web site. more>

Computerized Human Resources Wall 'Doesn't Give a Rip'
A local advertising agency has laid off its human resources employees and has installed an AI human resources computer surrogate as their replacement.

The Artificial Intelligence Surrogate, or AIS ("Ace"), controls most of the company's payroll and employee complaints using voice recognition and email correspondence.

Many employees have come forward to complain that "HR" is nothing more than an arcade fortune teller that spits out tickets reminding you to check your email for further information. more>

Sarin Gas the Cause of Five Deaths in Ridiculous Hospital Mix-up
An oxygen tank valve switch was in the wrong position for two days at an Ezekiel West Hospital operating room killing a total of five patients.

Many of the victims' families are in shock after a press conference where hospital staff clarified that an A-B switch operated a valve that feeds either oxygen or sarin gas to the patient's breather mask from tanks located in operating room nine. more>

Man arrested for assault claims coworker taunted him with pranks
Mike Litz, a senior accountant at Ferel Tax Services, has been arrested for the assault of coworker Dale Tart, a man Litz claims pushed him over the edge with a never-ending barrage of pranks at work. The latest prank, according to Litz, is what caused him to strike Tart in the face out of pure frustration. more>

Arsonist Who Burned Neighbors Home to the Ground Wants Revenge
Demetre Jackson admitted to burning his neighbor's house to the ground this September, was released due to a Miranda technicality, and was recently victorious in a lawsuit against the owners of the very home he burned. more>

Sales Executive Reveals Graphic Porn on PC During Powerpoint Presentation
An Oak Valley man lost everything he had worked so hard for last Monday when an errant key stroke during a Powerpoint presentation launched a pornographic slide show. more>

Special Report: Spotlight on the Cross-Eyed Leader of the DOT
When Tim Michaelson took over as Director of Operations at the Department of Transportation, his ability to see double, sometimes triple, has paved the way for many of the projects currently underway. more>