A Tortured Man
At the market, a Tierney Heights man watches a small-statured fellow shop for fruit in the produce section.
Despite his very small frame, he's quite handsome with an impeccable haircut, designer jeans and sweater.
However innocent this scene may appear to you or me, it sends local man Peter Goolardi to the moon. "These tiny fuckers are runnin' loose in their boy's-Medium polo shirts, flexing their tiny muscles in their jacked-up trucks rakin' in ignorant bitches." Goolardi further laments his distain for what he termed, 'a plague of mites taking over his town'.
A little man and his 4x4 pickup
"Look there, you see that? Runts like that enjoy puffing their chests out like a badass, despite being what amounts to a little peanut with limbs", whispered Peter.
"I guarantee you, he's 5'1" tops - probably drives an F-150 with a 4 inch lift, booster seat, ladder. The works."
Not the Shortest
Goolardi, only measuring a mere 5'9" himself, says he 'towers over these garden gnomes' when working out at the gym.
"It's easier for them to curl heavier weight, because of how short their arms are. Same with benching - less torque or whatever", said Goolardi. "Like I say, it doesn't matter how you slice it: I tower over those midgets, and nothing can ever change that fact."
"Mini-Motches", as Goolardi refers to them, are cropping-up everywhere due to what he calls "runt acceptance" within his community.
"I don't understand this. Why do chicks dig these lawn jockies?", whispered Goolardi. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not worried, or whatever. But, if my own wife's hail-dammy gets any worse, I might take off. Skip town. And frankly, it pisses me off how stupid these bitches are for being attracted to men two feet shorter than them. You can't wear your heel-lifted Bostonians to the pool, Munchie."
Peter's Wife
After pressing for comment, we learned Peter's reference to his wife's "hail-dammy" are the dimples on the skin's surface usually due to excess cellulite in the hip and theigh area.
Tina, his wife, did not return our phone calls asking for a comment on whether or not her body fat is becoming an issue in her marriage.
Research also uncovered after FOIA requests she was treated for vaginal yeast infections and a hysterectomy in June of 2011. Her doctor commented how her yeast infection was the 'talk of the hospital' for months, and had caused some clinicians to vomit during her examinations.
Peter has recently taken out prescriptions of erectile disfunction tablets, blaming his wife for being a 'dead fish' while making love. Again, no return call from Tina on whether the 'dead fish in bed' accusations are accurate.
Two of the the four neighbors we spoke to characterized Tina as "a raging bitch that's killing her husband with her psychotic meltdowns and unsightly obesity." Yet another phone call on the psychotic meltdowns and morbid obesity comments from her neighbors went unanswered by Tina.
Peter Goolardi and his wife Tina have plenty of issues to deal with, especially Tina. The horrible case of obesity and vomit-inducing yeast infections are creating additional burdens for Peter as he struggles with the 'cocky as fuck' little guys around town. Peter has spent the last month establishing a non-profit foundation that will aim to help men suffering from the same 'ailments' as what he is currently dealing with.
Jonah Leshnay - the Peel
The Peel News Magazine - A World Leader in Satirical Journalism | Satire Commentary & News Report
© 2007-2014 The Peel News Magazine - all rights reserved