Realtor Tells it Like it is, Especially After a Scotch or Two
Edina, MN

Realtor Bruce Fearing knows how to survive in any economy.


A Jaded Perspective

"It's a world so full of crap and the people who poop it, it's a wonder it even spins," says Fearing while scrolling his iPhone waiting for the bartender to bring his drink.

Bruce recently passed an exam allowing him sell homes, and has been hired by the real estate firm, Preamo Properties, LLC.

"This is how I roll," says Bruce.

"As the buyer, you pay all closing costs, and I get an additional two points above my normal commission. Mentally prepare yourself to be raped with an array of late fees and post-close service charges. No lie bro, it can and will get steep. People show up regardless, and I treat them like the stupid inbreds they are."


The Client Comes Last

As the twice-divorced journeyman of all trades lights another filterless cigarette, Bruce Fearing reflects on how he really dislikes having to help his clients with anything other than the time he's forced to spend with them at closing.

"I'm pretty darn wrecked (drunk) by time I arrive for [the] closing," said Fearing. "Because, I'm the one in charge. Fuck those maggots. Sometimes I will even hit on the wife if she's there. Hot or not."

"I don't even look people in the eyes without that ernest check and escrow deposit," barks Fearing while stirring his fourth scotch at the airport pub.

Fearing doesn't discuss his past because it's a rough one.

"I've been a welder, life-guard, caddie, cafeteria assistant, day laborer, busboy and now a realtor," says Fearing. "And I have to say, I drink about double the amount I drank as a life guard. Which was alot."

Fearing shakes his head and smirks, "Usually, some prick calls me for a house showing - forces me to guzzle a quick fifth of whatever's laying around. I mean, fuck it, and fuck them. It's my party, always."

Fearing flicks his cigarette butt at a passing car while exhaling through his nose. "If you want loyalty, go back to mommy. You are my client, get it?"


Bruce's Tips

Fearing tells most people who are buying a house to stop fooling themselves unless they are willing to pay big fees and commissions without any expectations whatsoever.

"I am super busy and have about this much time to fart around with some no-namer looking for a two room sucker box. Just shut your mouth and bring your checkbook."

 

Jonah Leshnay

- the Peel

 

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