Veteran "Snake" Shares Best Kept Secrets as a World Class Worm
Woodbury, MN
Troy Fickert, Jr. has lived life as shifty as one could muster. His college pals now laugh at the old antics which now pale in comparison to his latest moves.
Back in school, Fickert, Jr. left parties rolling his car in neutral down the driveway with his headlights out since his friends thought he had only ran to the restroom.
As one would imagine, he never answers his phone. And, if you leave a message it may or may not get read before getting deleted.
According to his family members and friends, his voice mail is constantly "down". His friend Chick recalls his ordeals with Fickert's voice mail, "Troy has told me at least twelve times he never got my message because his voice mail is 'out of service' or some crap."
Fickert, Jr. spends over $3400 a year on modified voice mail programs aimed to confuse the caller and ultimately persuade them to either hang up or never call back. Bizarre ring backs, empty silence and fake fax machine sounds are just a few of his phone plan features that are specifically designed to put an end to any such query.
"I'm not sure what your even talking about." says Fickert, Jr. "I can't help it if my voice mail box is down more often than the next guy's. Actually, just drop it."
Nobody we interviewed could ever recall having a single problem with voice mail on any phone, ever. Yet Fickert, Jr. seems to "lose" calls and voice messages constantly due to technical errors and "software updates".
Fickert, Jr. rarely uses his real name and has even thrown salt in his own grandparent's eyes to avoid a potentially uncomfortable situation. "I thought they were going ask a favor of me and I basically panicked, sue me."
Most of Troy's family members and closest friends have been blocked on his cell phone. According to his sister Peg, when they ring his doorbell they only hear shuffling sounds followed by silence. Fickert, Jr. swears he never heard anybody knocking and raises a fist of salt whenever he gets uneasy in general.
Fickert has not returned any of our calls for a follow-up interview.
Jonah Leshnay - the Peel
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