Three Coworkers in the Hospital After Bloody Fight at Office Potluck What began as an organized potluck lunch on Friday turned wickedly violent as personal insults began to fly during the final moments of the event. One participant, Cynthia Bumquist, was arrested after bludgeoning a coworker in the head with a toaster oven, which was still plugged-in and in the process of cooking 2 dozen pig-in-a-blanket treats. more> |
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Widow's Efforts to Maintain Upper-Class Lifestyle After Husband's Death a Huge Struggle Ever since Anne Tipler's husband was killed last year, she has been forced to support her extravagant lifestyle by actually working. "Life is very difficult for me now that I am working for a living." more> |
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Death Toll Rises to 294 at Waterfall Slide Opening Day Nearly three hundred teenage children have fallen to their deaths in what some are calling the worst waterpark disaster in history. more> |
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r4 nintendo ds gratis driverjuegosparacelulareslgrachelfullrar An Oak Valley man lost everything he had worked so hard for last Monday when an errant key stroke during a Powerpoint presentation launched a pornographic slide show. more> |
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ACORN Clean Out of Kool Cigarettes, Dems Now Desperate for Legit Votes ACORN has announced it has run out of Kool cigarettes and now may be forced to discontinue the "Cigarettes for Votes" program launched by Obama democrats last summer. Many multiple-vote casters are enraged and claim the government, more specifically former president George W. Bush, has conspired to stop Kool cigarette shipments from reaching the ACORN offices. more> |
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Synitec's Harm Reduction Policy a Hit A Minneapolis corporation's harm reduction initiatives took effect last Monday, and since then employees have taken advantage of the new policies. Glenn Biznicz, a compliance officer for Synitec, now keeps his floor-standing wide-mouthed graphix bong at his desk, and loves the convenience. more> |
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Butter Falls Woman Loses 635 Pounds on Sunflower Seeds and Beef Jerky Tammy Tilz creaked the scales at a staggering 912 pounds last year, and is now over a quarter-ton lighter thanks to the 'seeds and jerky diet'. Tilz normally started her day with a dozen eggs and a box of Eggo waffles topped with a stick of soft butter.. more> |
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Special Report: Spotlight on the Cross-Eyed Leader of the DOT When Tim Michaelson took over as Director of Operations at the Department of Transportation, his ability to see double, sometimes triple, has paved the way for many of the projects currently underway. more> |
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Killer's Road Rage Spares the Lives of Hundreds of Superbowl Fans A Walt Lake man is in custody for plotting to assault a crowd of Superbowl fans with a huge battery of acquired ammunition yesterday, but instead ran out of bullets on the way to the stadium due to his own road rage. more> |
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Mass Extermination Button at Pool Hall Under Investigation Minneapolis Police are investigating a bizarre button installed on the wall at Cyanara's Pool Hall in Bangton Heights. "The mayor has received numerous complaints regarding the button, and wonders what it might actually be triggering when it's pressed", said Police Captain Thad Fearington. more> |
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De Fece's Door-to-Door Shotgun-to-the-Face Coupon Promo Put on Hold De Fece's Pizza, a local pizzaria, has been ordered by a Ramsey County judge to stop a door-to-door marketing campaign which reportedly involves the usage of dum-dum shells (blanks) loaded into a shotgun and then discharged into the prospective customer's face by surprise, all for the purposes of promoting a coupon book for pizza delivery deals. more> |
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Suicide Attempt with Bowling Ball Backfires at IDS Center A 44 year old Eagan man sustained serious injuries today when a bowling ball he threw at a 5oth floor window at the IDS Tower deflected off the glass and hit him in the groin area breaking his coccyx. more> |
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Elizabethan Week Contest Cancelled: Some Registrants Suicidal Contestants of a television station's event are cowering in embarrassment after the organization cancelled this year's Elizabethan Week and the prizes slated to be awarded, but chose anyway to post the photographs of the registrants on the main web site. more> |
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Man arrested for assault claims coworker taunted him with pranks Litz defended his actions to police yesterday, "Every so often that Dale guy pretends to punch me in the groin, only to extend his hand out for a handshake. What's worse, he only does it when I'm carrying hot coffee or speaking to somebody important while walking." more> |
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