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Widow's Efforts to Maintain Upper-Class Lifestyle After Husband's Death a Huge Struggle Ever since Anne Tipler's husband was killed last year, she has been forced to support her extravagant lifestyle by actually working. "Life is very difficult for me now that I am working for a living." more> |
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Death Toll Rises to 294 at Waterfall Slide Opening Day Nearly three hundred teenage children have fallen to their deaths in what some are calling the worst waterpark disaster in history. more> |
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Bread Bakery Sick and Tired of Screaming Sourdough Fanatic, Files Restraining Order Knead Sourdough? owner David Spunksucker is frustrated, "When Mancuso calls it's either a profanity-riddled tirade looking for his bread where he is questioning my sexual orientation and wishing us all to hell, or it's a praise-filled call to thank us for our delicious bread." more> |
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Sales Executive Reveals Graphic Porn on PC During Powerpoint Presentation An Oak Valley man lost everything he had worked so hard for last Monday when an errant key stroke during a Powerpoint presentation launched a pornographic slide show. more> |
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ACORN Clean Out of Kool Cigarettes, Dems Now Desperate for Legit Votes ACORN has announced it has run out of Kool cigarettes and now may be forced to discontinue the "Cigarettes for Votes" program launched by Obama democrats last summer. Many multiple-vote casters are enraged and claim the government, more specifically former president George W. Bush, has conspired to stop Kool cigarette shipments from reaching the ACORN offices. more> |
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Synitec's Harm Reduction Policy a Hit A Minneapolis corporation's harm reduction initiatives took effect last Monday, and since then employees have taken advantage of the new policies. Glenn Biznicz, a compliance officer for Synitec, now keeps his floor-standing wide-mouthed graphix bong at his desk, and loves the convenience. more> |
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Special Report: Spotlight on the Cross-Eyed Leader of the DOT When Tim Michaelson took over as Director of Operations at the Department of Transportation, his ability to see double, sometimes triple, has paved the way for many of the projects currently underway. more> |
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Mass Extermination Button at Pool Hall Under Investigation Minneapolis Police are investigating a bizarre button installed on the wall at Cyanara's Pool Hall in Bangton Heights. "The mayor has received numerous complaints regarding the button, and wonders what it might actually be triggering when it's pressed", said Police Captain Thad Fearington. more> |
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Mind Therapy Tip: Punch the Sky Countless studies and medications for depression and other anxiety disorders come up short for many victims of stress. However psychiatrist Wiley Halvchubb tells each and every patient, regardless of their diagnosis, to just 'punch the sky' when feelings of anger set in. "Sometimes a full minute of swipes at the heavens is all that's needed," says Dr. Halvchubb. "I tell my patients to reject those icky feelings of embarrassment and punch the sky until it hurts, until you feel your arms coming out of their sockets, even." more> |
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De Fece's Door-to-Door Shotgun-to-the-Face Coupon Promo Put on Hold De Fece's Pizza, a local pizzaria, has been ordered by a Ramsey County judge to stop a door-to-door marketing campaign which reportedly involves the usage of dum-dum shells (blanks) loaded into a shotgun and then discharged into the prospective customer's face by surprise, all for the purposes of promoting a coupon book for pizza delivery deals. more> |
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Elizabethan Week Contest Cancelled: Some Registrants Suicidal more> |
